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ON TURNING 70
OR
EVERYTHING HURTS
70 IS A REMARKABLE AGE. YOU’RE OLD, YOU’RE
STILL YOUNG IN YOUR MIND. BUT EVERYTHING HURTS.
ACCORDING TO THE ELDERS, YOU’RE IN YOUR
DEEPEST SAGACITY AND WISDOM. FROM A LIFETIME OF LEARNING AND
DECISIONS YOU ARE NOW AT YOUR PRIME CAPACITY TO UNDERSTAND
AND IMPART THE KNOWLEDGE YOU’VE ACQUIRED IN YOUR YEARS OF
LIVING. STILL, EVERYTHING HURTS.
YOU SEE NEW THINGS HAPPEN, BUT YOU’VE SEEN IT
BEFORE. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO COMMENT. A GRUNT WILL DO.
YOUR WIFE OR FRIEND GRUNTS TOO. SHE’S ALSO 70. OR CLOSE BY.
YOUR GROUP GRUNTS AND YOURE NOT YET IN ASSISTED LIVING.
MAYBE FLORIDA, MAYBE YOU MOVED TO BE NEAR YOUR KIDS IN THE 5
TOWNS OR LAKEWOOD. MONSEY OR HEAVEN HELP US, CALIFORNIA. SO
YOU MOVE. EVERYTHING HURTS.
YOUR DOCTOR TELLS YOU THAT YOU’RE TOO FAT,
TOO SKINNY, OUT OF SHAPE, UNDER NOURISHED, OVER NOURISHED,
READY TO GO OR NEAR DEATH. JOIN A GYM, DON’T BOTHER, TAKE A
NAP, NO MORE COFFEE, MEAT, DAIRY, BOOZE, SALT, SUGAR,
ANYTHING THAT TASTES GOOD, WATER OR HERRING. NO HERRING?
WHAT WILL I EAT IN SYNAGOGUE? HANG OUT AT THE SALAD TABLE
WITH THE LADIES, IF THEY’LL LET YOU IN. EVERYTHING HURTS.
WHAT HURTS? MY SHOULDER’S ACTING UP, MY KNEES
NEED REPLACING, MY BRAIN IS ITCHY, MY GUMS ARE FALLING OUT,
I’M FALLING DOWN, I’M CONFUSED, WEAK, PISSED OFF, FORGETFUL,
HOPEFUL AND ANGRY FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL. OH YEAH,
I JUST WATCHED THE NEWS.
EVERYTHING HURTS.
RETIREMENT? ONLY IF YOU WORKED FOR THE STATE
OR CITY, BELONGED TO A UNION, CORPORATION THAT DIDN’T SCREW
YOU OR DIDN’T GET DIVORCED OR LOST IT ALL IN THE MARKET.
WHO’S LEFT? A FEW. AND THEY’RE IN FLORIDA. SLEEPING - PRETTY
MUCH A WHOLE DAY.
HEY ARNOLD, HOW’S RETIREMENT? GET ON THAT
BOAT MUCH? WHAT BOAT, WE SOLD IT.
WE WAKE UP, HAVE BREAKFAST WHILE READING THE
PAPER, TAKE A WALK TO THE POOL, SIT AROUND THE POOL BUT WE
GO BACK. IT’S TOO HOT TO SWIM. WHAT? SAYS YOU IN COLD NYC.
EVERYTHING HURTS.
WHAT ABOUT TRAVEL? YOU’RE STILL RELATIVELY
HEALTHY, OLD, HAVE SOME GELT AND WANT TO EXPLORE. THE AARP
HAS TRIPS. BUT YOU DON’T WANT TO GO. BECAUSE - IT’S WITH
OLD PEOPLE. BUT YOU’RE OLD PEOPLE. BUT NOT THAT OLD!
EVERYTHING REALLY HURTS.
WHAT HURTS? LET’S DO IT ALPHABETICALLY:
ARTHRITIS, BURSITIS, CHEST PAIN, DIABETES, ERECTILE
DYSFUNCTION, FLATULENCE, GOUT, HEADACHES, INDIGESTION,
JUVENITIS, KIDNEY STONES, LARYNGITIS, MENOPAUSE, NOSEBLEED,
OBESITY, PANIC DISORDER, QUADRICEPS TEAR, RESTLESS LEG
SYNDROME, SHINGLES, TOOTHACHE, ULCERS, VITAMIN B DEFICIENCY,
WARTS, YELLOW FEVER AND ZINC OXIDATION.
MISERY LOVES COMPANY. SO YOU GET TOGETHER
WHEN YOU’RE ALL AROUND 70. IF - YOU’RE STILL ALIVE. AND
EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT – YOU SHOW UP ANYWAY. JUST TO FREAK OUT
YOUR FRIENDS. OR ENEMIES. OR NEIGHBORS. WHAT DO YOU CARE?
YOU HAVE NOTHING ON THE AGENDA ANYWAY.
AT 70 WE APPRECIATE THE FOLLOWING: LARGE
PRINT BOOKS & FORMS, SLIP ON SHOES – BECAUSE WE CAN’T BEND,
BI-FOCALS BECAUSE WE CAN’T REMEMBER TO TAKE BOTH PAIRS,
BLOOD CLOTS, SO WE DON’T BLEED TO DEATH, ABS – WE HAVE JUST
ONE BIG AB – KIDS THAT SPEAK LOUD, SO WE CAN HEAR THEM, AND
MAINLY – PEOPLE NOW HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOU. STILL HURTS.
WEB MD STATES THE FOLLOWING IS EXPECTED AT
70:
BRAIN SHRINKS, HEART SLOWS, AGE SPOTS,
WRINKLES, BRUISE MORE, SWEAT LESS, DRY SKIN, ITCHYNESS,
OSTEOPOROSIS, LESS GOOD SLEEP, WEAK IMMUNE SYSTEM,
OVERACTIVE BLADDER, PROSTATE TROUBLE, HEARING & VISION LOSS,
LIVER & KIDNEY PROBLEMS, & ANXIETY.
BASICALLY; EVERYTHING HURTS.
FOR BIBLE SCHOLARS: 70 DESCENDANTS OF NOAH
FILLED THE WORLD, 70 NATIONS IN THE WORLD, 70 DESCENDANTS OF
JACOB CAME TO EGYPT, 70 ELDERS ASSISTED MOSES. THE YEARS OF
70 SYMBOLIZES FULLNESS: PSALMS: 90:10. THE YEARS OF OUR LIFE
ARE 70: DOVID HAMELECH, KING DAVID. JEREMIAH: WHEN 70 YEARS
HAVE PASSED IN BABYLON, I WILL VISIT YOU AND TAKE YOU BACK
HOME.
WE PROBABLY ARE ON SOME MEDICATION:
3 WORDS WE LOVE TO HEAR. “OVER THE COUNTER.”
“SENIOR CITIZEN DISCOUNTS”, BREAKING A HIP”. “MEDICARE OR
MEDICAID?”
CHEAPER. AFFORDABLE.
FORGET ANTI SEMITISM. NOW WE NEED ANTI
DEPRESSANTS. FORGET A LAX ATTITUDE. NOW WE NEED LAXATIVES.
AND DON’T FORGET ALEVE, ADVIL, TYLENOL AND HOPEFULLY YOU
DON’T NEED FENTANOL AND OXYCONTIN TO KILL THE PAIN. THE
PAIN. THE PAIN.
MY NECK, MY BACK, MY STOMACH, MY ARM, MY LEG,
MY HEAD, MY TOOTH. WHEN YOU WAKE UP NOW FROM YOUR DISTURBED
SLEEP – EVERYTHING HURTS. SO JUST GET UP, TAKE A SHOWER.
PRAY. MEDITATE. DRINK COFFEE. EAT SOMETHING. READ THE PAPER.
AVOID THE NEWS. AND GET OUT AND MEET THE DAY.
FAMOUS POEM:
THIS IS NOT TO INSULT YOU,
OR GIVE YOU GRIEF & SORROW.
IT’S JUST TO REMIND YOU,
YOUR 8TH DECADE STARTS TOMORROW!
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